Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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