The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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