I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
