i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
