I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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