you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
