I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
