It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
