You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
