god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
