jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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