why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
