You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
