My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
