I need to stop coming to work sober
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize