I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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