I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
