my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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