I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
