I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
