Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
