My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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