Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize