Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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