$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
