Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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