Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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