i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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