I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I FOUND THE LEGS
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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