I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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