We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
