Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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