I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
