If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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