i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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