Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
