Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
