I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
