As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
