if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
