Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
