We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Sext me about skeletons
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
