the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
