Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
