this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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