she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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