Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
