You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
