I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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