thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize