lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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