Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
