So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
