ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
