my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
