Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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