forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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