Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
