I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
