Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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