It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
