Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
