My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
