I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
