i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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