He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
