I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
