I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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