he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
