Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
