I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
