my vag is so smooth its legendary
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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